Bowling, The Wright Way - July 14, 2001 by Don Wright
Bowling In Texas, The Riot Way

I am always glad to get e-mail about my columns. I don't care whether we agree, or disagree, I am satisfied that you read the column and it got you thinking. Most of the time my e-mail is very positive and I'm thankful. Sometimes, I get that occasional mean spirited person that clings to anonymity behind the computer keyboard and screen names. And then, there is always the English major who says I screwed up conjugating a verb, or I dangled some particle or sumptin. Well, golly!

Just think if I wrote a column using my Texas dictionary. Heck, only Texans and John Jowdy would understand it. Let's look at how a column might read written in Texan.

I hope yawl don't mind, but I want to have a ward with you. I saw you on television and you looked watt as a sheet and that's as riot as rain. The telecast was on late and I could barley keep my eyes open, and the darn show was on for an are. I sorta dozed off and I heard the wife yell at the kids "Be kwat, yawl are makin' too much noise."

Anyway, I think you get the picture. You would be reading all that and scratching your head and I would have to ask you, "What's the matter with yawl, don't you understand the kang's Ainglish?"

Jim Everhart wrote, "Nobody enjoys a joke on himself more than a Texan." It was with that thought in mind he penned the Texas Dictionary.

Now let's translate.

Yawl - the pronoun of the second person plural. "Yawl listen up!"

Ward - a unit of language consisting of one or more spoken sounds. "Pardon me could I have a ward with yawl?"

Watt - the lightest of colors. "Yew look watt as a sheet."

Riot - correct or proper. "That's riot as rain."

Barley - only, just, no more than. "Ah can just barley open my eyes."

Are - sixty minutes. "I'll see you in an are."

Kwat - free from noise. "Be kwat."

I'll let you figure out kang's Ainglish.

Yogi Berra is credited with "Yogi-isms," but you have to get up pretty early to top a Texan. Molly Ivins, in her book wrote, "Anyone left befuddled by the language, not to mention the logic of a legislative presentation might be greeted by, " I can 'splain it to you, but I can't understand it for you."

So, when I receive the e-mail reminding me that my particles still dangle I think of the words to the country song penned by Robin Dorsey from Matador, Texas. He wrote the touching, "I Don't Know Whether to Commit Suicide Tonight or Go Bowling."

Fort Hood, Texas is now the proud home of the Armed Forces newest bowling center, Phantom Warrior Lanes. The $6.4 Million, 48-lane center has the newest in AMF technology.

When you walk into the center you are greeted with an all-glass Pro Shop stocked with the latest in technology. The divided center has 24 lanes on the left and 24 lanes on the right. A game room, bar, snack bar and meeting room are part of the package.

Scoring is done using the AMF Boss scoring system. In addition the DuraBowl Bumper Control has been installed that can be set to automatically raise and lower the bumpers as different players take their turn.

Rounding out the facility is the Xtreme sound and lighting system. With glow-in-the-dark pins, balls, carpeting, tables, chairs and masking units and a sound system that defies description, Phantom Warrior Lanes promises to be a popular spot for all types of activities.

The Grand Opening of the center was July 10 and after opening remarks and a ribbon cutting by the commanding general the packed house welcomed bowling legend Dick Weber.

Weber was the highlight of the opening as young and old alike converged on a pair of lanes for a mini-clinic, question and answer period and an autograph marathon.

Lucius Beebe in his book Boston wrote about the poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. "Everything about him is nice," said Beebe. The same thing can be said for Dick Weber.

In a time when nice is going out of fashion it was nice to see youngsters, parents, adults, soldiers, and bowlers of all ages respond to Weber.

May he live forever.

See you on the lanes.